Happy New Year Charlie Brown

It's 2006 and I am just not too thrilled.

Unlike most people, I don't see the beginning of each year as a time of renewal and hope. I see it as the bottom of the ladder (a very rickety ladder) that you have to climb slowly rung by rung in hopes of making it to the top without spilling your can of paint. And when you finally get there, you accidently stand on the rung that reads "not a step", plummet back down to the bottom, dust yourself off and start all over again.

To me, Christmas is the climax of the year. Everything after Christmas is just filler until Christmas rolls around again (ok, maybe football season). You know how you read about people being depressed before Christmas? My depression begins on Christmas night. I begin asking myself the big questions, thinking about my mortality, and regretting that another year has passed in which I feel that I did not accomplish anything truly fulfilling.

This has been particularly evident this past week. The day after Christmas, I started getting an uneasy feeling which worsened as the week wore on. By Friday, I actually began to feel sick to my stomach. My mind was waging war against itself and flooding with thoughts of failure and shortcomings.

Sometimes I find it impossible to enjoy the moment because I am too wrapped up in what may happen. Even though I always seem to land on my feet, I don't always remember how I managed that smooth landing. Is it instinct? Faith in God? Pure luck?

Not knowing how I got to where I am is frustrating. I've lived my life by the seat of my pants, taking advantage of opportunities as they presented themselves to me.

I never had a master plan.

I never sat down and made a list.

Here I am, almost 35 years old, and I don't have a plan for my life! I am still waiting on something big to happen. I am still waiting to make my mark on the world. I am still waiting to find my passion and capitalize on it.

Maybe 2006 will be the year that everything suddenly makes sense. My eyes will be opened and my purpose on Earth will be made clear.

I'll keep my fingers crossed.